I have been laying in bed for the past hour or so trying to get to sleep, I mean really trying. I just cannot seem to get to sleep. I am being haunted by some awful thoughts and I really want them to leave me alone. I have a lump in my throat and feel so very sick right now. I feel alone and lost. I am not a friend to myself right now. I keep thinking of what I look like and I am incredibly uncomfortable with my body right now, I feel hideous, ugly and just huge. I can’t help but see this grotesque person when I look at myself and then I end up on the internet searching for women deemed beautiful, hot, fit or sexy. The more I look the more I hurt. I can’t help but try and wonder maybe if I was better, maybe if I was one of them if then I would feel ok. What do they have that I don’t? Why would people talk about them and look at them, perhaps even think of them rather than someone like me? Can I not be hot, fit or sexy? Is there something wrong with me that someone could be deemed better and more desirable than me just because they are famous? I can’t help but sit here and feel sick and angry, even jealous that there is something that makes them amazing and me feel like this hollow empty husk of a being. I really don’t want to be me right now, I don’t want to be here, I don’t feel beautiful or liked and I wish I could be amazing and sexy. I want to be someone else. I feel threatened by these women and women on the streets, they make me feel ashamed to be who I am. I hate the fact they dress to be looked at, I cannot dress that way because no one wants to look at me, because I am not attractive, I am not famous and deemed sexy. I feel so much hate and rage towards these women. I cannot help but see them as whores who have no other goal in life to make me hate who I am because I cannot ever be them and they can always provide more than what I can. I want to feel sexy and I would love to be looked at like one of them, not be pushed to the back and looked at alongside them, I want to be the hottest maybe just once. I want to give more than what they can and do more. I don’t want to be the last choice, the one you have to look at because your dream woman cannot be there. I just want to feel like I am more than them. I am alone and stuck with these thoughts. I want to do terrible things right now and I don’t know what to do. I was told to write my feelings down and tumblr is all I have right now. I need some help and a little support as I am very low right now and so far away from feeling anything positive. I dislike who I am and who I am not. I need some sort of help. I don’t want to feel sick every time I see another woman, I don’t want to feel like I am nothing. I certainly don’t want to feel like I should tear off my face because I am not another woman. I don’t want to be jealous and feel that they will all take away my happiness and I will be left in a hole to rot because I am not good enough. I am very scared, very frightened and very alone. I am lost and almost writing this because I want it to be seen, I want some help and I don’t know who to turn to anymore. I am scared of my own thoughts and need a little help, please help me :(
Hey, my name is Michaela, I am female and I am 20. I am a Film Studies student. I am in a relationship with the most amazing person. I love him very much, he supports me and keeps me safe c: and I miss him all the time :c
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